Letter Q - Quicklookbusy: How do you approach 'encouraging' a teenager with college work? My daughter is 16 and just started her A-levels. She worked hard during the run-up to exams, but during the rest of the year, she had a very laidback approach - according to her teachers as well as me. She really wants to go to university but I know if she doesn't step up a few gears, this won't happen. Any attempt to ask about work is met with a grunt! Should I back off and just let her get on with it, even if it probably means she won't work to her full potential?
Letter Q - Bigtillymint: How do you deal with a hormonal (budding teenager) new year seven who is struggling at home to manage the demands of secondary school - wanting more independence and self-management, while still needing a lot of adult support with homework and so on? What do you do about 'teenage' tantrums and rudeness in tone of voice as well as what is said?
Letter Q - Nottirednow: If you really have very well-behaved, children don't you worry about them just a little bit? Is a bit of rebellion actually a good thing? Can you suggest a way to encourage a teen to speak out more in class? They are not lacking in ability but it's not going to help them get their choice of university.
Letter Q - Lovemygirls: My daughter is only 11 but has had an attitude problem for a few years now. I can mostly deal with it by saying firmly "I will not be spoken to in that tone" and refusing to cooperate with her if she won't cooperate with me, which usually sorts things out. But since she started secondary school, she is being very argumentative and is changing her views on a lot of things to try to fit in. How should you deal with children getting more freedom?
Letter Q - Pathfinder: I've got three teenage sons and I got divorced two years ago. I've struggled to establish a relationship as their divorced mother as they only stay with me at weekends. My eldest seems to be burying much of his emotions, energy and time in his online games and chatting online to pals. His school work has plummeted, but his dad doesn't seem worried and doesn't communicate with me.
I do have some ideas - a friend recently suggested I draw up a contract with my sons for when they stay with me, that would help me keep my house tidy and raise the topics of what we all consider acceptable and what not.
My eldest can get angry and agressive when I try to set bedtime and internet rules, but I know I need to do them - somehow - but how? He is far taller and stronger and angrier and louder than I am. Shouting isn't the answer.
Letter Q - Thesecondcoming: My teenager goes to bed after a perfectly nice evening with us and in a lovely mood, but wakes up like a banshee from hell and doesn't speak to any of us - including her two-year-old sister! Unless we're all going in in the night to piss her off then I really don't know where we're going wrong.
She sometimes seems so desperately unhappy and is really unpleasant to all of us. Then, for no reason, snaps out of it. I am finding it very difficult to access my loving feelings towards her sometimes. Is this normal? Or is it because we've had another baby?
Letter Q - Castille: I'd like to know how to re-teach my 13-year-old daughter some basic rules of courtesy and politeness. She drives me insane by pushing past people instead of letting them pass (like on the stairs or on to a bus), by not looking at someone who is talking to her and not greeting people properly. These are all things she once knew how to do!
Letter Q - Redpanda: My 15-year-old daughter has just turned to the dark side and I'm struggling to readjust and remind myself to zip it so I don't react and provoke further rudeness/"I know best" responses/sulks/silences/retorts/tears/etc (delete as appropriate). My current problem is how not to react to her 'boot face', which is becoming an increasingly familiar reaction when she doesn't like what I'm saying. It drives me mad!
If I have said "no" to a request that is unreasonable and explained why, then how do I cope with the inevitable sulks that will ensure, without getting wound up at her behaviour? My husband tells me not to take it all so personally, but the problem is that I do! I want my lovely girl back!
Letter Q - Musicopsy: My eldest, who is 14, despite being quite difficult when she was little, seems to be generally sailing through the teenage years with only the odd strop. We have a very close bond and get on well together. My youngest, 11, has up until now been the easiest child to raise you could imagine. But recently, she's stroppy and difficult. Virtually everything I ask her to do is met with, "What are you going to do about it if I don't?" It doesn't matter how reasonable the request.
It's not just with me, either. For example, she was told recently to take her feet off of the seat at the theatre. She knows she shouldn't have had her feet there in the first place, but she just said "why should I?" to the lady. It's like she has to challenge everything. I worry that I am getting closer to my eldest because she is easier. I don't want the bond with my youngest to slip away. But spending more time with my youngest just seems to give her more opportunity to be stroppy with me.
Letter Q - Stayingdavidtennantsgirl: My 13-year-old son has little or no empathy with others and has real difficulty controlling his temper at home - he has sworn at me, and the only effective sanction seems to be removal of his iPod. He can be so cold and nasty - and yet other times he is loving and cuddly.
Even the dog is scared of him - he says he hates her and wants nothing to do with her, and in the past, when he called her to go for a walk with him (after the stress of getting him to accept that it was his turn to walk her), she has run away and hidden under the desk.
I am looking into dyslexia as a possible cause for this defiant behaviour. Can you suggest anything that might help? I am literally at the end of my tether. I suffer from depression, and feel like a total failure as a mother.
What advice would YOU give to the parents above?
What answers do you think Charlie Taylor [the British expert] gave [either see below in the comments or go HERE]? Do you agree with his advice?
Do you think the advice to parents and analysis of teenager problems is affected by the culture in your country?
There are several more questions and answers to be found HERE.
“Should I back off and just let her get on with it, even if it probably means she won't work to her full potential?”
ReplyDeleteI’m a very laidback person too. I accepted things the way it was and I REGRETED it. I should’ve strive harder! My parents let me get on with everything by myself and I ended up getting something I don’t really want. Do not ever back off, if it is about your children. My parents never ask anything from me (only good grades) and it makes me really sad.
My parents never ask. I want them to ask.
They only tell me to be successful but what kind? I want to know what they are expecting of me, because I want to surpass their expectation and making them happier. But they never ask, they never push, so I’m kind of disappointed with my parents. It's leaving me this hole in my chest. Like they never really expect something from me. My friends always whine about how their parents ask them to be doctor or whatever, hey pals, you're lucky.
What I really think is that parents should try to encourage their children to do something, not just let them be.
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DeleteI feel sorry to hear that Chintya, maybe you should have a talk with them. Considering your age your past-teens, meaning you can demand clearer answers from them (not the usual vague "your not old enough to have to know" they give you as a kid).
DeleteFrom my point of view (it doesn't really matter if you take it as advice or not) there are two probable reasons on why they stay vague on what your future ought to be. To be fair I'll give a positive and negative.
First of all (positive), they might not give you any advice because they want you to be yourself. Just be able to develop yourself as to which you see fit, give you a taste of freedom. All of us in the IUP definitely have well financed families, whether they started out that way or had to build up by themselves. Our parents always want whats best for us, and to give us something (an experience, a home, a life) better then what they had growing up. So don't take their silence as an act of uncaring, find the silver lining.
Now the second reason, a bit negative but much more realistic. Is something we probably all know. It is much more fixated in Indonesia, but it isn't an enigma to the rest of the world. Yes, if you guessed stereotypes then you're right.
Stereotypes come in all sorts of forms, from race, religion, to gender. Here are some examples; "black people are violent", "Asians are geeks", "white people can't discipline their kids", "Moslem's are terrorist", "Illuminati are all evil", and so on. The gender stereotype they fixate in Indonesia is concerned about womens role in society.
So in conclusion your parents might not care because they only expect you to marry into a good family. Sounds straight forward and painful for some, but that's the undeniable truth in this country concerning most girls. I have many high school friends, who are on the same boat. Just out of curiosity, do you have have a brother? if you do, is he treated differently?
Dealing with teenagers is hard. I give my applause to parents that survive in handling their teenagers children. As a teenager, I admit that sometime we act mindlessly. We do stupid things for stupid reasons. Parents should know that, they've been through that once, right?
ReplyDeleteBased on my experience, one advice that I could give is: Be a friend to your children. Since I was a kid, my parents always telling me that I could press the “friend-button” anytime. So when I say that I pressed it, my parents will act as my friend. They will know that I need a friend to talk to, so they will listen. They would listen to my problems and I would just tell them everything and let them know how confused I was about things. And the good thing is, they won't judge! The would just listen, support me, tell me how sorry they are, and just be a friend. They won't give any advices, unless I ask for it.
If parents do this to their children, it will give advantages for both sides: The parents will know their children problems and somewhat monitoring them; the children will be open and trust their parents more because they know that their parents will be there for them no matter what.
“I can mostly deal with it by saying firmly "I will not be spoken to in that tone" and refusing to cooperate with her if she won't cooperate with me, which usually sorts things out. But since she started secondary school, she is being very argumentative and is changing her views on a lot of things to try to fit in.”
ReplyDeleteNow this is the problem of most parents nowadays. I am an only child, and up until now my mom still treat me like a little girl. Why? Based on what I heard from my aunts and uncle, my grandparents treat their children like little kids, especially the females. Their ideology is that children should obey they parents, and even though they’ve grown up, they still will be kids in their eyes. Thus, this ideology got passed to my mom and some of her siblings.
“I will not be spoken to in that tone,” do work for little kids because they haven’t fully developed a strong logical thinking. However, as they grow up, usually starting secondary school, we children dislikes being treated like that as if parents cannot reason with us in a logical manner. Teenagers want to be treated more adult-like when parents disagree with them. Proper discussion could solve things out. I myself despise it a lot when my mom’s using that kind of tone. She can actually starts to talk to me as adults.
Parents should understand that their children are in their puberty phase, starting to search for their own identity. They should not treat them as kids, nor as adults whatsoever, but as teenagers that they can reason with in a wise manner, not commanding. Commanding words makes children thinks that whatever they say parents won’t even care or listen. Understand them, and listen to them. I think that’s the key to solve the problems between parents and teenagers.
Nowadays, children have less of attitude. I could say that some of children are being rude sometimes. Well, it is actually not only because of their parents' fault. It could be because of the globalization that we are facing and it will give more difficulty to educate children. But as parents, they always want the best things for their children.
ReplyDeleteAs Jegeg already said above, 'Be a friend to your children'. When i was about 15 years old, i could say that i was a bad child for my parents. But i proudly say my parents are the best parents ever. They still have a lot of patience even when i did some bad things towards them. I liked to scold them, lie with my parents, and many more. Of course after i did that, my parents would mad at me, scold me also. But they would also kindly apologize to me for being rude at me and tried to speak softer. At one time, my parents talked to me like this, ' Whenever you feel angry, sad, and disappointed, please don't hesitate to tell us. We are your friends and we will help you as much as we can. We love you more than any of your friends and more than anything else. Don't put your anger into bad attitudes. That's bad habit and will ruin yourself. Don't forget about this also, we are your parents who will take care of you, we are also your friends who will play, hear your story and help you, and also we are your everything'. That's the best advice i have ever from my parents. After that, i contemplated their advice and surprisingly i change to have better attitudes. I also realize that the reason i was being a bad child, it's because i was having a bad mood maybe in that time, or sometimes because i was pretending to be cool like in the movie. Well, i pretty much could say that i was because of the globalization and also because i looked my parents as people who just scolded me.
So, try to speak with your children and always assume that your children are also your friends. Sometimes they need your love, care, and also your attention.
I’m interested in Nottirednow’s question. Having a very well-behaved children will be great. But in my opinion as a child, I need a bit of rebellion. The times have changed, the situations that my parents have when they were young isn’t the same as mine. Maybe in my Mom’s era, we should do B after A, but now we should do C after A. (Do you get what I mean? I’m not good in explaining.) So, if my Mom forces me to do B after A, I will do a protest. But we need to keep our good manner and respect toward our parents while we explain about what we think. We also need to listen and think about what our parents think. It’s best to be critical, but it doesn’t mean to be rude.
ReplyDeleteMany parents are too scary or don’t want to listen to what their children think. I believe that it’s wrong. They should change their way of teaching their child. If I have that kind of parents, I think I will be a very well-behaved child, but I won’t be critical at all. I think that kind of children won’t have any leadership quality. The worst thing is that, maybe, that kind of children will keep a lot of secrets from their parents. -Calista-
Teenagers usually love to try something new. That is why some parents said that period of teenager is the most difficult to controlling their children. Actually, parent have a big role to the development of their child, especially when they teenagers already. This is because the parents have plenty of time to get to know their children's behavior and parents are most closely with teens. Most of the time teenagers along with parents, because the limited hours of time in school learning, otherwise most of his time is spent at home with his parents. Parent's attitudes toward adolescent will greatly affect how it is to be a teenager in living his daily life.
ReplyDeleteTeenagers who has bad behavior must have a wrong treated by their parents. For example, no communication beetwen them so the children not respect to their parents. Or usually parent can not understand what happen to their children. So, they can not to be good listener to their children. Teenager is the children feel grown up, but it actually has not. They can feel independent. When we seem to dominate him, teenagers will rebel. Especially when accompanied by threats or violence. Give the command, but omit words such as 'should', or 'don't'. Give them the option, give a view of the consequences of their actions.
Dealing with teenagers is difficult, because teenagers often act carelessly. Teenagers would rather hanging out with their friends than sitting in sofa with their parents watching TV or have a conversation. I admit it as a teenager, sometimes I prefer hanging out with my friends to stay at home watching TV with my parents. My mom and dad often complaint why I spare my time more with my friends rather than them. At first, I didn’t really care about it. Then, I realized I will go to another town and living separately from them. So, I try to speak my mom more often and have a conversation about anything I want to share with her. My mom is a good friend to talk to. She keeps me giving me advices that I won’t get them from others. What I learn from this teenagers’ attitude case is we should often communicate with our parents, talk to them and asking for their advices. Because in my opinion, a good relationship is started from a good communication.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to give a little solution to Castille about her 13-year-old daughter about 'manners'. That little chat of her somewhat reminds of my past. I never knew that manner does exist. I guess it was just my little advice from my father. But what makes me believe that manner is important until my final day on this earth was a very simple thing that all human own in their lives : feeling. When we're talking to someone else by looking at their eyes constantly has different effect rather than when we're not looking at them. Teach her that constantly, and you can change her way of thinking for all sort of condition which need manners in it. Why start with looking at the eyes? A girl at that age tends to understand small things quickly and start to apply it in their daily activity way faster than a boy is. That's why you should teach them patiently without a single faint of emotion, because if you do so, they can understand much faster rather than applying emotion in it. As a mother, I guess you have a self-emotion control better than a father, so it would be best to do it by your own. I hope it could help your daughter.
ReplyDeleteI’m interested in bigtillymint question. I don’t know, I found out that really represented the most of “teenager phenomenon” I think is teenager is just wanted to be appreciated. Considering as one of teenager too, indeed sometimes I fell I don’t treated fairly by my parents. But I think it’s a normal feeling when teenager thinks like that. For me being a teenager is all about proving yourself to your surroundings that you’re worthy to be considered as an adult. The main problem for teenager is how to look and act likes a normal adult, but in other hand they not ready to act like a grown up person.
ReplyDeleteMy advice for bigtillymint is every parent should understand their personality of their child, especially when they’re in teenage years. You should treat your child carefully, when you give them advise make sure that you don’t hurt they’re feeling and you use the right words and tone so your children don’t feel that there are being judged. Make sure that you always there when your children needs you. Even thou most of the time teenager don’t want their parents interfering too much about their personal world, but make sure that you’ll there when they need you. Always be an open minded person to your child, don’t force your wants too much because otherwise it’s their life after all.
“Letter Q - Stayingdavidtennantsgirl: My 13-year-old son has little or no empathy with others and has real difficulty controlling his temper at home”.
ReplyDeleteWhen I read about the behaviour of the son, I think this guy has some serious behavioral disorders. I think these behavioral disorders are most likely to be the cause of a condition called; autism. Autism comes in many forms and it is important to understand where the behaviour is coming from. So my advice to the mother is to go to a psychologist and investigate what kind of behavioral disorders her son has. After the result is is needed for the mom to learn about this disorder and especially how to deal with it in the right way.
My advice is totally different from Charlie’s. Charlie is more saying that they need rules and he loves his mother and behaves like this because he know she won’t turn her back on him. I think my advice is a bit undue, but that is because I am raised different. I am raised more conservative and in that way you have more respect in what you say and cannot say to your parents.
Well it’s always hard to deal with teenagers. They usually are still searching their true identities. Sometimes they will do unexpected things in doing so. For me, troubled teenager is a result of bad socialization. Bad socialization can be tracked to what their parents taught them when they were a kid. Every people go through three phase of socialization.
ReplyDeleteThe first one is when you were a kid. You learned only from you parents or from your close families that you saw in regular occasions. The things that were learned in this phase are fundamental norms such as the rule of talking with the elder people. The second phase is when you were a teenager. In this phase, parents do not have the biggest influences to the teenager. The friends and the environment affect the most. Teenagers learn from their friends. They often do things what their friend do. In this phase, parents’ control is really needed to monitor the teenagers’ behavior. The last phase is the time when you already have your own principles.
So the reason why teenagers are being troubled can be tracked from their socialization.
-I can mostly deal with it by saying firmly “I will not be spoken to in that tone” and refusing to cooperate with her if she won’t cooperate with me, which usually sort things out.
ReplyDeleteIt’s cool how things get sorted by just saying that. In Indonesia or Asia, if we give our parents the “attitude” we’ll receive a smack on the face or if we’re lucky, a yell is enough. Surprisingly, it doesn't really affect most of us in a bad way while in some countries that would be considered child abuse.
- Letter Q – Nottirednow: If you really have very well-behaved, children don’t you worry about them just a little bit? Is a bit of rebellion actually a good thing.
I don’t think any parents should worry if their children are well behaved (unless it's the suspicious type). Appreciate it and enjoy it while you can because I bet there are parents out there who are stressed out trying to control their kids (make them well behaved). But I must also say that a bit of rebellion won’t hurt because I think it’s another way of showing some kind of independence (by making their own decisions instead of following their parents’ choices all the time).
Parents should be aware that their children will be facing puberty and whatever happens, they must face it because you have no idea what you’re children would be like on that phase. They might turn out okay, or things could just possibly go wrong. Just make sure your kids won’t turn out to be the one in Maury’s.
This is my advice to Letter Q – Quicklookbusy : I guess it often happens to most teenagers because honestly, it has happened to me several times. I think it can happen not only to teenagers, but also adults. The thing is, teenage hormone makes it worse. It’s been tough days for me, it’s been really hectic because college life makes me sacrifice a lot of things in order to pursue my academic career. On the first days, I was so moody all the time. Moodswing changed the lovely ambience at home become cold because I got mad at my family all the time with no reason. I knew it was wrong, I shouldn’t have been so selfish. My family is busy yet they try to stay calm and get things done rather than whining about how much work they had to do. Then my family tried to talk with me, reminded me that it was me who wanted to choose this career in the first place, and they reminded me that I shoud always be grateful. Because no matter what I feel, it doesn’t reduce the work I have to do. So, my advice is: try to communicate with your kids. It’s not easy, but they’ll understand.
ReplyDeleteA teenager’s life mostly deal with unstable emotion and feeling and mostly they can’t the situation well so as a parents they have to deal with their teenagers and just stand behind the to give a supports and guidance to them. Just act that you’re their friends that can share your stories together and giving an advice. Because teenagers is not mature enough to judge and to make a decision in a such difficult situation they need a more mature partner to guide them to solve their problems. So be their partner not just angry at them it just make a situations getting worse and if they can’t stand anymore, they can just do a stupid things that can make their self more stress or just lose control of their self. I appreciate the parents who guide their teenagers through the teens life well. So as a teenagers we also have to listen to our parents guidance well and don’t feel ashamed to tell them everything.
ReplyDeleteIt is quite interesting for me to give an advice for parents above about their problems with their kids. Well, in this section, I will give a solution for Stayingdavidtennantsgirl about her 13-year-old son. First, you are saying that your son has little or no empathy with others and has real difficulty controlling his temper at home. Second, for all this problems you make one conclusion that dyslexia as a possible cause for your son defiant behaviour. So far, you must to know the meaning of dyslexia itself. Dyslexia is a difficulty with learning to read fluently and with accurate comprehension despite normal intelligence. Based on your evidence, I think your son is lack of attention from you. I think he want people surround him to give attentions to him. Maybe some problems or trauma can caused your son behave like this, because there is no smoke without fire. You must to know if your son have some problems or not recently, with his friends or school. You must ask him regularly about his activities and ask him to hanging out with you. With many approaches that you make, I think you can find what’s the matter with your own son. But I confident that, this is not dyslexia, this is just teenage atmosphere.
ReplyDeleteDealing with teenagers can be a nightmare to most parents and I feel like my parents might feel the same way about me and my sisters when I was growing up. I think that teenagers feel like they need to find out who they are and that’s the main reason why they’re rebelling against their parents or basically all grown up. What I remember the most is as a teenager my emotion is not stabil and I don’t want people to think of me as a child, but the fact is I’m not an adult yet and that’s makes me confused in where to put myself. I’m interested with the problem by nottirednow and I think that a well behaved child might seem quiet, but they might be holding a lot of emotion that they can’t let go. I think for a well behaved child communication is the most important and as a parent I think their self-confidence should be more optimized.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with Jegeg that dealing with teenagers is not easy. They are still teenagers and their way of thinking usually not stable. They like to confuse, nowadays people call it “Galau”, what is the good and bad things. They still don’t know where they will go and what they will be. They still search for their identity, especially junior high school student.
ReplyDeleteI also agree with what Yuka said, “Children have less of attitude and some of children are being rude sometimes. Well, it is actually not only because of their parents' fault. It could be because of the globalization that we are facing and it will give more difficulty to educate children”. But, In my opinion, maybe because of the low education, some children will have the rude attitudes. Broken home children can be rude children because of their searching for the attention of their parents. They are lack of their parents’ attention.
Frankly speaking, I am also not a good child when I was in Junior High School. Sometimes, I lied with my parents. I said that I am going to study with my friends, but actually I went to the mall with them. I also ever made my mom really angry because of I lied with her until she realized that I have lied to her. I felt really down at that time. She was very angry and I was almost being expelled from the house. My mom told me that I have to go away because I am not a good child. But I apologized to her. I was crying all day long, realized that I was wrong, and promised not to lie with my parents again.
My mom and I hugged each other than I realized that my mom is my friends. I have to share everything to her. I will tell everything about me and never lie again. Now, I really close with my mom.
Actually, I found this article quite intresting. In my own opinion, teenagers behavior depend on 70 percent of their social surroundings and 30 percent of how do their parents subjected them. The social surroundings widely take a big part in teenagers behavior. Mostly, teenagers who hangout with the sort-of-cool-kids pack ought to be mischievous ones. Because nowadays in Indonesia (specially in Jakarta) you got to be bad boy if you want to hang with the packs. That is not good point for the teenagers culture in Indonesia. Such as “If you want to hang with us, you have to smoke,drink alcohol,and smoke weed”-sort of things. See? Clearly that is one of very common things happening in Jakarta. In my opinion, you can have good social life without hanging with the cool-kids-so-called packs. But it is okay if you can isolate yourself from the bad things they try to offer you.
ReplyDeleteI have a suggestion for pathfinder who is a troubled single mother of 3. She has been having some problem communicating with 3 of her son after the divorce. I feel that her sons are currently going through puberty and they are definitely facing a lot of confusion in the changes that they are facing, whether is it physical or mental changes. Therefore they tend to act ruder and rebellious to the people around them. On top of that, without a father figure in the family for the son to talk to, it would cause them to be more likely to bottle up their feelings, which is unhealthy. As for suggestion, I would suggest pathfinder to be more patient and understand what her sons are going through. However she should not give up on trying to understand her son better. When facing rejection from her son, she should keep a positive mindset and perhaps approach her son some other time or use different method to approach her son.
ReplyDeleteThis is a sensitive matter. I’m kinda interested with Lovemygirls’s question so I will give some opinions about it. How should you deal with children getting more freedom? It’s simple for me. Give them your trust. Give them your understanding. When you learn how to appreciate your children, they will be gladly appreciate you too. I think children in that age is just starting to learn about the real world. Real world is not easy. They will be judged by society. Their emotional state is still not stable either. They need your support and trust. They will be glad to know that you’re always behind them as the biggest supporter when they reach the bottom. I’m not saying that you should let them do anything they want. As a parent, you have to give them advices and tell them what’s right and wrong. You can also monitoring their acts.
ReplyDelete“she is being very argumentative and is changing her views on a lot of things to try to fit in.” That’s about what I said earlier. She’s just in a fase when her friends start to judge her and when she wants to try new things. She’s currently learning how to deal with her teenage life. Because people in her age often act childish, you may have to excuse her stubbornness. She thinks if she didn’t do something like the others, she would be left out. These insecurities are normal among children who are growing up.
My conclusion is, parents should stand behind their children's back. If parents can be a good example, their children will also follow them and feel more secured to express themselves.
“I've got three teenage sons and I got divorced two years ago. I've struggled to establish a relationship as their divorced mother as they only stay with me at weekends. My eldest seems to be burying much of his emotions, energy and time in his online games and chatting online to pals. His school work has plummeted, but his dad doesn't seem worried and doesn't communicate with me.”
ReplyDeleteFrankly, this happened to me and I could personally relate to what her sons are feeling. People respond to their parent’s divorce differently. Kids may be very rebellious, they may shut them self out from the world, or they might be proactive at activities to forget the problems they face back home. All they want is the attention, because all this time they have to cope with their parents arguing and fighting. When parents divorce, not only their relationship that falls apart, but also the whole dynamic of the family. Kids who can’t accept the new changes will have a difficulty to be happy. They won’t experience the normal activities their family used to do. No more dinners together, no more vacations, and no more dad and mom under the same roof. They need time, this significant change in their life could shape them into bad personalities if they don’t learn to control their emotion soon enough. Their mother should try to communicate with them, and try to figure out what’s on their minds. She should make agreements with her ex-husband regarding their sons. She should advice them that they can’t let this change them. What people don’t know is that divorce could be great as time passed by. I get double pocket money, double presents on birthdays, double holidays, two houses, and two different families that love me. It’s not all that bad.
“Letter Q - Lovemygirls: My daughter is only 11 but has had an attitude problem for a few years now. I can mostly deal with it by saying firmly "I will not be spoken to in that tone" and refusing to cooperate with her if she won't cooperate with me, which usually sorts things out. But since she started secondary school, she is being very argumentative and is changing her views on a lot of things to try to fit in. How should you deal with children getting more freedom?”
ReplyDeleteYou’d better talk to her more. Not just tell her “I will not be spoken to in that tone” or refuse to cooperate with her. You’re a mother, you cant be a rebellion also. If your daughter refuse to cooperate with you, that’s the time where you can show that you’re a good mother. If you keep refusing to cooperate with her every time she won’t cooperate with you, when will you get your reconciliation? Show her how much you care about her. If she asked for a freedom, tell her the limitation. What should she do and what should she don’t.
Just like my mother, she gives me a lot of freedom. I can hang out with my friends; I’m allowed to have a boyfriend, and stuffs like that. She also told me my limitation. What should I do when I was with my friend, what time should I get back home, what time should I study and not hang out with friends, and also my limitation on dating. By doing it, my mother could control me, and I got my own freedom.
So, my advice is, talk to your daughter gently. Tell her what you want, ask her what she wants, and make the deals.
-Jeka-
I think most of teenager will have problem like this. Personally I have that experience before, when I already finish my junior high school. In that time, I want to have my own life, I want to live independently, so I define my senior high school should be in another town. Formerly my parents especially my father did not allow me to life in different town, he think that in that time I am not old enough to determine any decision. He worried that if someday I will do stupid things, and I can not take any responsibility for that. I was in 14 years old in that time, and I did not have my principle yet, so I just talk by little anger with my parents, and I persistent with all my parents advice.
ReplyDeleteBut finally my parents allowed me to have my independent life, I choose Jogjakarta then. In my first year I was homesick, I often miss my home, my parents, my brother, and all things that I can get easily. But this situation leads me to grow as a real independent man, I always solve my own problem, and I automatically start to define my future, while formerly I do not care about my future.
Finally I become open person, I can talk about my problem, about love, about my dreams, and many of my problems. So now I really understand with what family worth is.
The article is really interesting because it talks about teenager problems. So I have an advice for Letter Q – Nottirednow. Well, look at the cases that you wrote, I think your children is a kind of introvert and obedient children. But I agree when you say ‘Is a bit of rebellion actually a good thing?’. Rebellion doesn’t mean that they do something bad, it means they try to do something new that controvert with what their parents say or ask. Almost every single teenager ever did that, include me. When I was in high school, my father always prohibited me to do something. Because of it, I feel curious why he prohibited me. And from that curiosity, I did exactly controvert with what my father said. And my advice is you have to keep encourage your children and maybe find an interesting topics to discuss with them. At first maybe they don’t speak too much, but if you always do that in daily routine, they will used to talk to another people and it will make them confident to talk in front of the class.
ReplyDeleteTalking about the behavior of teenagers is endless, the things that they do seems unpredictable. Therefore many expert learn about teenage behaviour. Like the article say that Charlie Taylor is one of the expert specialized in behaviour of "troubled teenagers" in Britain . he give some advise to the parent for making their teenager behave better. For the first problem, it said that their child is having problem with discipline. She have to work harder if she want to get best university, because to be accepted in university she must to work harder to beat other competitor. Her parents should told her slowly so she can understand well.
ReplyDeleteSometime, teenager behave inappropriate to parent or older people, even for their friends. Like castille said that he/she wants to teach her daughter for behave well. Because based on castille said it’s very rude to interfere with the comfort of the people. In the article, many of the parents very desperate to take care their teenager, so the step that they should take is, strengthens the bonds of a parent with their children so parents know what their child wants. Because, when child grow to teenage they seems like draw away form their parents.
-anne
The world is constantly changing, so does the people on it. Teenager back then and teenager nowadays are very much different. Many parents face a lot of problems caused by their teenager. Having a well-behaved teenager is very rare, and parents don’t need to worry if there’s a bit of rebellion, it’s normal. Because teenager is not fully adult, they are still on the process of growing up. So what parents have to do here is not avoiding them from growing up, but help them through the process.
ReplyDeleteThere are a lot of ways to support teenager to go through the growing process. Parents can give them support and encourage them to do things that they are not comfortable to do.
I think the advice for parents and analysis of teenager problems are affected by my country’s culture. Basically, my culture helps me to decide my point of view. So the advice and analysis that I gave were from my point of view.
This article really caught my attention and makes me realize, are my parents also think like this to me and my siblings. Well many people and physiologist state that being teenager is not easy, because this step will lead you to two different path, whether your dream comes true and success or not, and the other reason is that teenagers emotional still unstable. My siblings and I always talk about anything to my parents whether it is about what make us feel upset or happy, school –except score of my test- and so on. My parents always let us do everything we want as long as we can responsible of the consequences. They know why I often stay up until mid-night to do lot of assignment and they do not want to interfere or help me with my assignment, because they think I must responsible of my own assignment. I do not think shouts or angry will make teenager improve their behaviour so it is better to talk about it slowly or make them realise that what they is not good.
ReplyDeleteFrom all of those letters, I am very interested in Nottirednow’s letter. He/ she said that he/ she was concerned to children who very well-behaved. To be honest, I have same opinion with Nottirednow. I think every teenager needs a little rebellion to make. There must be something that they don’t satisfy with, or something that they don’t like to, in their life which will make them to do a rebellion. So, it’s like a normal thing to do. Moreover, in that age (teenager phase), it’s time for people to be really curious about so many things which will lead them to make many mistakes or irrational action. That’s why when you see your children being too well-behaved; it’s like an abnormal phenomenon. It can be happened because the children itself have a lack of confident to express themselves or maybe they have some problems that they don’t want to share. That's why I think the communication is a main point on this case. You have to approach your children and make them trust you enough to tell anything, so you can understand what's going on with them and find the solution.
ReplyDelete“How do you approach 'encouraging' a teenager with college work? My daughter is 16 and just started her A-levels.” In this problem, what I suggest to you is that you tell her to make a time schedule between family activities and her college work, I know that mark is something that is important, but if your daughter grow up with a good mark but she doesn’t have moral value it will be a disaster.
ReplyDeleteParents have a compulsory to teach and give their sons and daughters the moral value that is accepted by the society, so if there is a teenager that doing something immoral for me it is also their parents fault, parents should teach their children since they are toddlers, but I am not saying that if the parents give their children good education about moral then they will be a polite teenager, some other thing that affect the moral development is their friend, their friend will also giving some impact to your children attitude, so as a parent you should keep an eye on your children friend, when your child has a bad friend it can affect their attitude when they grew up, there is still many things that affect moral development but at least you should know about this 2 points.
Dear Bigtillymint,
ReplyDeleteThere’s a baby in all of us. We may grow up physically and mentally. We may age, but that baby will never truly go away. Teenagers are in the phase of maturing, yet, at the same time, the baby in them screamed NO! to growing up. Many parents across the world faced this problem. It’s excruciating, it’s confusing, and it’s one hellish thing to face, but they have to. Teenagers would want their freedom. They would say, that they wanted to be free from the house, that they don’t need their parents anymore, and etc.. But at the same time, the baby in them desperately clung to the security their parents provide. Yelling, being mad, and making rude comments are the way they express their want to stay bonded to their parents. It may seem confusing, but that’s how teenage hormones work. I have just one advice for you: read a book called ‘Get Out Of My Life! But first, could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall?’ It ‘s a great book that coaches parents on how to deal with hormonal teenagers. I guaranttee it’ll explain things you wanted to know better than me.
Letter Q – Quicklookbusy
ReplyDelete“Should I back off and just let her get on with it, even if it probably means she won't work to her full potential?”
While reading this post, I immediately thought about a few questions I would ask back before trying to give advice: How do you define “full potential” Why will she not be able to go to university? Will she not qualify for the program of her choice or will she not receive a scholarship to make it affordable for the family? How strong does her “laidback approach” really influence her grades?
I think it is always very important to analyze such issues from all possible points of view. Charlie’s advice sounds to controlling to me in some points, especially the email cc part. Before taking such steps I would advise to try harder to find a way to have a real conversation about the daughter’s goals and especially about her expectations for the future.
Teenage period is the most difficult time in the life stage. In this period, a child would move into the next stage. We also called teenage period as the transition phase to be an adult. I would give an opinion based on letter Q (love my girl). She told about her daughter attitude problem. She changed the behavior since she started secondary school. Her daughter became more argumentative and had a new point of view about everything. Why she changed her attitude? She needed an improvement in her life. To make an improvement, teenagers changed their behavior, life style, point of view, friend, or goals. They felt curious about everything. If they felt curious, they would try to get the result. They want to get an avowal from their friends. So, they would push their self to get the attention from others. Teenagers needed a freedom for growth. So, the parents should support their children and became their friends.
ReplyDeleteTeenagers are famous as troublemakers. But, not every teen is a troublemaker. Teenagers are just kids who are turned into younger adult. They have to be mature even tough they are still seem like kids. It is very hard to make them become the good one in teen period. Because this is a transition era that everyone say this is the hardest part. The parents have the important role in this situation. Parents should help their children. For example they have to know their kids very well, help their kids, and always taking care of their children. The troubled teenagers are teenagers who used to be good and nice kids. But because the bad environment, they turned into bad teens. In sociology we call it “Deviated Socialization” which is means the trouble is caused by bad environment. Maybe from another bad-attitude-friends, etc. We can prevent this bad thing with always remember our God, taking care ourselves, and also avoid all the things that God has banned.
ReplyDeleteI would like to answer thesecondcoming’s question dealing with his daughter’s strange behavior.
ReplyDeleteMost teenage girls tend to be insecure during the puberty; this is normal. Woman’s body, especially girl’s body during puberty, produces more hormones that man’s. This what mainly causes the sudden mood swings and the bad temper, therefore they tend to be more insecure and sensitive.
The reason I chose to answer this question is because I can relate to that situation really well. I have experienced it myself in the first two years of my puberty. It was really confusing for me because it felt like I was being controlled by my hormones. I cried a lot and got angry easily. I also used to wake up every single morning in such a gloomy mood, and just like thesecondcoming’s reaction, my mother was worried.
Even though that situation is quiet normal for teenage girls, the parents have to do something about it. One of the best ways to deal with it is to be there for them and get them to talk to you. I went all ‘crazy’ for almost two years but then my mom started to be there for me and I felt better.
However, I can’t guarantee that it will work for all teenage girls with that kind of problem because each girl’s reaction won’t be the same. Their parents have to eventually figure their teenagers out by themselves.
"I'd like to know how to re-teach my 13-year-old daughter some basic rules of courtesy and politeness". I have got a little solution due to Castile's case, because my uncle's little son has a problem with politeness like speaking in high intonation and didn’t how to interact with people in a good ways. My mother gave him some advice to minimize his "bad" attitude. The advices were always gave him an understanding that what his doing until now isn’t good, but someone have to do this instead of his parents, because if others gave him this understanding, he will be likely hear that rather than his parents. And another advice is his parents have to control his society, because a society is affecting someone's behavior more than what his parents tell him. When my uncle has done all of my mother advice, his child behavior is better than before. Maybe this advice can be used to Castile's daughter too and I hope it works
ReplyDeleteHello, My name is Heza Ramanda, and I would like to give my opinion regarding to this topic.
ReplyDeleteI can understand how complicated it is to deal with teenagers. And I realize, Teenagers phase is the hardest phase for parents to control their kids on that phase. The reason for that, is that teenagers tend to be hot headed, as they try to discover the way to express themselves. I say, let them express themselves. Don’t restrain them, control them. And usually during this phase, teenagers, would love to try something new. Like smoke, alcohol. Don’t forbid them, just tell them the consequences of consuming those items. And let them try. Because, the more you restrain them, the more rebellious they be. And allow them to have a lot of friends, so they may learn other people’s characteristics. But when they do any criminal act, you stop them. And more to add, the affections given by the parents, will definitely affect the well-being of the Teenagers.
And i guess that is all. Thank You.
I will comment about Thesecond coming problem. Unpredictable, that is the most suitable word to describe the teenagers. The unpredictable situation always happen to the teenagers. They usually want to get more attention from the people around them. So, they want to be the centre point of view. As I read in this letter, the main problem is that the family has a little baby, the two-year-old one. This is a hard condition, because the family has to take the extra attention to both of them (the young girl and the baby). The young girl wants to be like “the main actrees”, but the baby girl needs the extra needs to be fulfilled. The sender of the letter said that her teenager goes to bed after a perfectly nice evening, but wakes up like a banshee from hell and doesn't speak to any of the family members. So, basically the main point that can solve the “unpredictable” teenage girl is communication. With communication, she can express her feelings, her opinion, her daily activities, her personal problem, and many more. So, by doing the intensive communication of the family, she will feel that her family cares about her. In conclusion, to solve the unpredictable teenagers, parents must know the main problem of their children, so they will communicate it in a proper way with their children. The unpredictable teenagers need extra attention. So give the extra attention with communication to make them feel like they are fully understood.
ReplyDeleteHmm I feel that this article is quite interesting. I’m also the teenagers and I hope that I’m not part of that troubled teenagers. In Jakarta, we can easily find the troubled teenagers. The troubled teenagers have the bad attitude because the bad environment around them. The parents also have the important role in this situation. Because teenagers are in the difficult situation called transition period. The teenagers are just the kids that have to act like younger adult. It is really bad if the teenagers are live around the bad environment. The troubled teenagers I think they’re used to nice kids, but maybe just because the bad friends around them, they turned into the bad attitude teenagers. Teenagers are really easy to enter the bad world. Drugs, Alcohols, are not rare again around them. But we can prevent this bad thing by always remember our God’s rule because our God knows the best for us.
ReplyDeleteI am interested in Lovemygirls’s question about the attitude problem of her daughter. Having an attitude problem, acting rude and sometimes even disrespectful, is normal for teenagers. Being more argumentative is a way for them to express and test out their independent ideas. Don’t see it as a bad thing; independence is an essential part in their development.
ReplyDeleteIt is also normal for teenagers to make efforts to be able to fit in. Don’t forbid them in doing this. This is an opportunity for them to learn how to improve their social skills. Forbidding them will only take away their opportunity in making more friends. You don’t want your daughter to be an anti-social freak, do you?
However, even though it is normal, as a parent you have to do something about it. Dealing with your daughter’s attitude, you have to stay calm and cool. Don’t ever yell back at her because it will only trigger a fight. Instead of scolding at them, just talk. Tell her how you feel about her attitude, but you have to remember to avoid complaining about her character as a person. Be there for her to be talked to, because having a close bond with your daughter will help a lot. Your daughter would want to listen to you more and the attitude problem can be minimized.
Oza
Being a teenager could be really tough sometimes; our emotions are always like a roller coaster ride. We could really be tough to handle at times; we are really sensitive and need extra thinking when taking care of us. The best way to talk to teenagers is to talk nicely and kindly, shouting or getting mad at them would always makes it worse, that is what triggers teenagers to become more rebellious.
ReplyDeleteTo Musicopsy about her and her two 14 and 11 year old daughters: it’s great that her older daughter has changed and that they have gotten a good relationship. But about her younger daughter, she’s turning into a teenager so this attitude is really normal. But she should really talk to her younger daughter about this bad attitude, but remember to talk nicely so that she won’t get annoyed and start to get bad-tempered. She should also give the same amount of love, care and time to both of her daughters even though one would be easier and more enjoyable. Because of she did give more time and care to only one daughter, the other one would feel left out and get hurt, which would result in them becoming more rebellious to get more attention.
Dealing with teenagers are a bit difficult because they are in that stage where they feel like they're an adult, they feel like they're in control. Teenagers are in a stage between adulthood and childhood, they may feel like an adult because of their age, and more responsibilities are burdened on them, but they still thinks and acts like a kid. Most teenagers will feel like they are free to make their own choice, that they are their own man, so most of them will rebel and do something against their parents' will. When I'm in the senior high, I feel like rebelling so much, I feel like my dad doesn't understand me at all, I feel like I'm my own person, and I didn't care what anyone else thinks. To deal with such situation, it will be much better if parents doesn't yell at their son or daughter because then the urge for them to rebel will be increasing more and more. My dad used to be mad at me for rebelling a few times, but then we would end up giving each other the silence treatment, until one day, he doesn't get mad and whenever I did something, either purposely or purposelessly bad, we would sit down and have an eye to eye chat, discuss about what I've done and hear both sides, my dad and I are closer than ever since then. You see, when parents do nothing but yell and get angry, their kids will be scared to open up to them, and in the end, the relationship between the teen and parent would not be good. It's better to be cool headed and then maybe, just maybe your daughter/son will be more open to you and stay away from bad things, will listen to you, and doesn't rebel as much.
ReplyDeleteIt's difficult to tell someone else how they should raise their child. But I think it's important to have some strict rules from they are young. Then they get used to them while they're growing up. How they should act and talk to other people, how to eat at the table, how and when to do their homework. If they grow up with rules and parents as a good example I think it's harder to get on the wrong track. Of course it can happen, for example if they begin in a new school or start hanging out with new friends and get new impacts. Then it's important that you are close to your child, so you know what is going on in their lives and that they want to share their thoughts with you. Then you probably can help them before it's gone too far. Maybe you can have one day each week that you always do something fun together and come closer to each other.
ReplyDeleteThere is a statement that said "I will not be spoken to in that tone" and refusing to cooperate with her if she won't cooperate with me". I think this is the cause why most of teenagers refuse to cooperate and obey their parents, teenagers who are still labile need their parent to understand them. Teenagers who most of them exaggerating their problems need friends to talk to, instead having parent who always scold them. Some teenagers who have bad attidute and just showing their arrogant side got bad influence from their friends and groups where they always hang out with. Parents need to understand that their child need to change their groups and tell them nicely about it, not by scolding them and tell them to have a better attidute.
ReplyDeleteIn my opinion, parents should think how to tell their children to choose the right groups and not curb their child in the home and tell them what to do. Being teenagers are the time when we explore a lot of thing and knows which is right and wrong.
A teenager is a transition phase from a child to a young adult. Being in this phase is very difficult as I’ve been through it. In my experience, as a teenager, we want to act, live and being treated as an adult. We would like to try new things. In the other hand, considering the age, we are not qualified enough. I believe, it’s the dilemma that every teenagers have. Relating to my experience, I have a 15 years old cousin who likes to listen to dance or house genre of music. When her favorite artist came to Indonesia, she really wants to watch but unfortunately she cant due to her age as the event is only accessible for 18+.
ReplyDeleteAlso during this phase, our hormone is growing and it makes our emotion unstable. So, this also might be the answer for thesecondcoming’s daughter problem.
For quicklookbusy’s daughter problem, encouraging a daughter to college work needs extra patience. In this situation, the daughter itself needs to build self-encouragement. By being an angry mother wouldn’t solve anything. The best self-encouragement is to let her think and plan for her own future. Let her dream big. By doing that, she will try to achieve her dream on her own. The thing is, make her know where she is going or by having a simple goal. Also, as a mother, all you can do is by giving your best support.
I want to give advice to “Castille”. My cousin has a daughter and she is 4 years old now and her behavior just the same as the “Castiles”. Well, I actually don’t like kids like most people. I cannot respond to kids. That’s it. But, when the kid can act cute or he/she can attract my attention, I’ll respond. In this case, my niece is just like a little cocky princess. In my family, I was taught to greet older people first at least by saying “hi” to them. But, this kid is really hard to ask to greet people. Even when her parents and grandma told her to, but her lips are tightly locked. Once, I said to her in front of her grandma that she is really not polite. Well, after I said that word, I feel worried but the other side I feel that I must do that.
ReplyDeleteIn this case, the problem is actually the parents. I think the parents need to teach the children since their first talk to greet people. The parents should’ve been firm in teaching politeness to their children and also to teenagers. But after I read Charlie’s answer, I think my advice is a little bit out of context, since I gave an example of children’s problem.
“Letter Q - Pathfinder: I've got three teenage sons and I got divorced two years ago. I've struggled to establish a relationship as their divorced mother as they only stay with me at weekends. My eldest seems to be burying much of his emotions, energy and time in his online games and chatting online to pals. His school work has plummeted, but his dad doesn't seem worried and doesn't communicate with me.”
ReplyDeleteThis kind of thing, usually happen to broken home children. My friend, whose parent was divorce, had a same situation too. And she become an anti-social. Her grades are bad, and she always getting trouble. I think, the solution of this problem:
1. Try to make an approach to the children, slow but sure. Don’t strain it, just do it slowly
2. Communicate from heart to heart. Listen, what the kid want the most.
3. Notice them. Always try to know what they need.
Hope, this solutions would help.
Lots of people would say that troubled teenagers’ attitude is caused by their parents’ wrong way of parenting. As we can see nowadays, there are also troubled teenagers within good, educated families. We can call them rebels, although their parents gave them their best to shape those troubled teenagers personality, but nothing can be done without the cooperation and will from the teenager themselves.
ReplyDeleteI am not yet a parent, but I think I have good parenting ways so that teenagers would become a better person in the future. Remember that the fruit will never fall too far from its tree? Then give good examples to your children. Do not be too soft on them, but not too harsh. When they do something wrong, don’t directly give them punishments, but tell them what they've done was wrong and inappropriate. It will take some time, but I am sure it will work (answering Castille's question).
Troubled teenagers are not only those who have bad attitudes, but also those who have broken hearts. And many of them are because they are living alone, their parent’s divorce, and so on. I can’t say that I’m not troubled myself, but I can say that I am lucky I still have family and friends who will happily scold me when I did something wrong.
Quicklookbusy: Just let her be what she wanted to be and do what she wanted to do. Eventually she will learn that she has to step up some gears.
ReplyDeleteBigtillymint: Let him be like that. If he wanted some help, give him what he wanted. About the tone, well you should told him it is not a good thing to have with a gentle and sweet voice.
Nottirednow: It is fine I guess. Maybe they have to be trained in speaking in public so that he/she will have more confident.
Lovemygirls: Maybe just guide them in their freedom? It is their rights too to have their own freedom, right?
Pathfinder: Give him some advice or maybe tell how you suffer when he's doing his thing. Sometimes it makes your children realize how hard it can be to a parents.
Letter Q – quicklookbusy:
ReplyDeleteMany teenagers reach a point in their lives when they stop studying for school. This can have several reasons: some of them want to show everyone how cool they are because among teenagers those who don’t study are cool, the others are not. Some teenagers can’t focus and are just lazy, maybe because they have some difficulties with themselves as it often happens in teenage years. Some teenagers might lack a goal in their lives, they don’t know what to do after their A-levels and hence lack an incentive for working. In your daughter’s case it must be one of the first two explanations. The problem is that she has to find out herself that studying is important so that she can go to college after school. Forcing her to study will be very exhausting for you, as she will probably react very angry to your approach to make her study. On the other hand, it might take some time until she overcomes her trouble and finds out how important it is to have good grades is her A-levels. Then it might be too late. I would recommend you to try to talk to her in a friendly way, to ask her what her goals after school are and to try to explain that good grades are the crucial factor to get accepted at a college.
I agree with Kurni’s statement that said ‘teenagers behavior depend on 70 percent of their social surroundings.‘. When I was 13, starting my high school life, I hang out with some cool a.k.a. troubled teenagers. My behavior totally changed. Even my mom said ‘I do not know you any more’. That was hurt. Well, I admit I was little wild back then. I went to school at 6 am and arrived at home never earlier than 9pm. That was because after dismissal time, I played with my friends. My grades were not low, but I involved in many trouble. I was also frequently being called by the office of student affair regarding of fighting and some other school violation. I liked to disobey and argued with my parents. They did not know what to do anymore with me. Until when I went to the next grade, my teacher separated me from my friends. I met new friends who were considered as nice kids. They told me to start thinking for my future like where do I want to continue my senior high school. At that time I started to think that good school will not accept student candidate who have bad manner like me. So since that time, I stopped looking for trouble and I went to private tutorial after dismissal time to catch up failure subject. My old friends mocked me but I did not care. My parents also did not get angry as often as they were. Until when I graduated from junior high school, I accepted in favorite senior high school while my other old friends did not. My parents were very proud of me. At that moment, I realized that someone’s behavior depend on their social surroundings. Also, no matter how hard you try, you cannot change someone's behavior. You can just trying to influence him or her to be better. They are the one who will decide whether they want to change to be better or not. Just like troubled teenagers.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete“Letter Q - Bigtillymint: How do you deal with a hormonal (budding teenager) new year seven who is struggling at home to manage the demands of secondary school - wanting more independence and self-management, while still needing a lot of adult support with homework and so on? What do you do about 'teenage' tantrums and rudeness in tone of voice as well as what is said?”
ReplyDeleteDealing with teenagers is difficult, they have not had the stability of hormones that cause them to have a lot of desires to do things by themselves, but the fact is they still have not been able to be responsible for what they do, so basically they have not been able to handle it by themselves. For this case, it is actually the same as my mom has ever faced before. I had a same problem, I was so stubborn and resistant, I was not thinking, I did not have a clear mind and I did not know which ones are good or bad. I was always wanted to have my own space to do stuff, by myself and without chaperones. So my mom did give a little independency for me, a little freedom but she still directed and monitored me in different ways. She opened my mind by giving me some good and bad examples. She gave me some targets and challenges that I have to achieve, and she gave me a KPI (Key Performance Indicators) that I have to do.
Do we have a problem with a teenager? Well, it’s a simple question, but no simple way to answer this one. Problem with teenagers is always going on and on from generation to generation. Even though the time’s changing and the culture is evolving, I see the same pattern of problem that the teenagers have.
ReplyDeleteRebellious time; teenagers always have their way to differ their opinions, arguments, and their wants from their parents. They always want the other things that their parents want them to have or to do. As parents, we want them to have the best and become better than us, because parents always think about their children’s future. But for the children, they want something right now, something that’s seems good for their own at the moment, but didn’t understand the impact because the lack of thinking about the future.
As a good parent, we do not approach their attitude with anger, or something that grows after the anger. We have to give them a way of thinking in another perspective, to see a problem within a different angle, so as a kid they won’t judge anything under their own demand. It will grow empathy and sympathy from the child.
A teenager, or teen, is a young person whose age falls within the range from thirteen through nineteen (13–19). They are called teenagers because their age number ends in "teen". In this phrase, we have a transition from child to teen. Being teenager is hard, difficult, sometimes frustrating. Because in this stage we start to learn to be more independent, not overly dependent on our parents, we have to deal with peer pressure, face some problems in our life, have to learn to start to make some decision for our life. But being teenager is also exciting, interesting, and fun. Because get certain freedoms like going home later but of course in the certain time, hanging out more with my friends, start to have feeling and fall in love with the opposite sex and many more. This phrase is very important, so teenagers really need some guidance from their parents. And I think if parents do that there won’t be troubled teenager.
ReplyDeleteFor me troubled teenager appears because of the lack of parents’ attention and caring about the development of their children. If they do something wrong, don’t directly give them punishments or scold them, but tell them what they've done was wrong and inappropriate. And parents should give some advices and guidance in their children’s problem and also pay more attention and more care about their children. Because this phrase is very important, And I think if parents do that there won’t be troubled teenager.
hhmm Dealing with a teenager is a hard thing to do, because teenagers is the first step towards to maturity, and usually teenagers have high level of curiosity, they like to do new things, the positive one or negative one. If it is the positive one maybe it is like a hobby or a new skill that the teenagers wanted to try. But sometimes teenagers like to do new things, even the bad stuff, like trying cigarettes, drunk, sex, etc. and that’s is why teenagers are very hard to handle, but by a great and right way to handle, teenagers can be handled right and making them a good person. We can counsel them, give them a punishment if they do something bad, or even give them rewards if they do good. And we can make a habit to teenagers. We can make the teenagers a time for study, maybe for 1 hours a day at 6 o’clock in the evening. Maybe for the first or second or third, the teenagers will feel oohh it is very tiring, but after a months or many weeks, the teenagers will feel comfortable to study at that time, because it is now his habit. Okay that’s all of my opinion about this article.
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ReplyDelete"Do you think the advice to parents and analysis of teenager problems is affected by the culture in your country?"
ReplyDeleteThis question seems rather interesting, because it's commonly known to be true. That some cultures have different ways in approaching their children and that they arrive at different results. Like a real life example, most household families in India and in China (and other Asian countries) have a very strict and long tradition concerning behavior toward elders. Parents in their country have a tendency to emit bigger authority and power over their offspring then families in countries such as Australia and America.
They all face their troubles, at a certain point but It always seems that generally, Asian families are a lot more tight-knit. I don't mean to be racist or anything, but my theories on this is linked to the fact that Caucasian parents tend to give independence to their kids at a younger age than others, It's like after their kids are 18 years old they can cut ties with their family and live by themselves, without having to worry what their parents might have to say.
Which is a whole lot different from Indonesia, the sad but heartwarming truth in this country is that, you can never be too old to live with your mum. Most Asian countries view family to be everything, and no ties can be cut EVER. This might be the reason parents demand a lot more control towards their kids, because they'll expect to live with us for a long time, and they want to shape us into good adults.